As my family settled into our yearly and cherished vacation in Cape Cod, I did not know I would be so touched by an experience outside our little group.  Every year, my family, my parents, and my sister’s family make the trek to Cape Cod and share a house on a hotel property with a private beach where we make our own special memories.  Our children have grown up going there and have the routine of going to the beach on the first full day. As we know, routine is very important to the child with SPD, which is the case for my middle child. My husband and sister took our children down to the beach and I said I would meet them there in a few minutes.  As I approached the beach, it was our family and another family with two girls and a boy playing.  I settled into my chair and the little boy approached our children playing in the sand.  I offered him a bucket asking if he wanted to play too.  His dad quickly followed and said he does not play well with others and hurried him away.  My sister turned to me and said the dad had said he was autistic and did not play well with others and they were going to get his bucket and shovel.  A minute later, his mom appeared with his toys.  As I watched this little boy run and happily play in the sand and water with his siblings, I was outraged that this family had to apologize to us as I watched my own child with SPD playing in the sand.  I could only begin to imagine why they felt they needed to apologize to us or what traumatic events had occurred in the past.

The next day our children were playing on the hotel playground and the same family appeared from their house.  I watched this little boy with a smile on his face run for the equipment.  I looked at the mom as she hurried after him to supervise.  The look on her face was one that I often have when I didn’t know how my daughter was going to react in a situation.  That look appears less now than when she was younger.  As our children played, we could see her son getting agitated.  The mom quickly raced over and started to talk to him.  Apparently, he was mad that our children were on the equipment and was screaming at them. Our children said (on their own, without adult interference) they would move to something else because they did not want him to be upset.  I smiled at the empathy and compassion that they were showing another child.  They did not see a label, but a child like them.  As the situation calmed down, the mom approached my sister and I, started to apologize to us and explain to us that she felt compelled to tell us that he has autism and although she was trying to talk him through the situation on the playground it was not working.  I looked at her and said she did not have to apologize to us.  At that moment, I was outraged that this poor woman felt that she needed to explain her actions or son’s actions.  I turned to my husband and said we were the last people they needed to explain to.  As I closed my eyes for a minute, all of the times my own child with SPD had a meltdown on the same exact playground over the years flashed in my head.  As we started to leave the playground, I looked at the mom, smiled and wished her a great vacation. 

The thought that she felt the need to apologize and explain her son infuriates me.  I can only imagine why she felt this way.  As she spoke to him, the teacher and parent inside me could see the strategies she was implementing and the intervention she obviously had in place for her child. The child is not the issue; the real problem is society and a lack of knowledge or empathy.  Do not give parents nasty looks or make comments if you do not know everything about that child and the path of life that family is following.

On our last day as we prepared to make the journey home, our own child was having a particularly rough day. She had to say goodbye to her cousins that she had been with 24/7 since we arrived and her favorite place until we return next year.  My husband and I looked at each other and took a deep breath anticipating the horrendous meltdown that was to ensue.  As we slowed the world down for her for a few minutes, I watched the same mom and thought to myself, I completely understand the love and pain you feel as you look at your child.  After 20 minutes, our daughter was finally in control and we slowly drove to a favorite restaurant for one last vacation meal.  She fell asleep in the car, which is typical for her after this type of meltdown.  She woke up when we arrived and we were quickly seated outside on the patio.  The second round occurred when my son sat in the “wrong” seat that was apparently meant for me. She started screaming and grabbed the chair.  My husband quickly responded without missing a beat and diffused the situation within a minute.  My gaze was met by a very unhappy man at the next table shaking his head at us.  I met his gaze and stared back at him.  In the past, I would have been embarrassed and looked down. I have since realized the problem is not my child, but rather some people’s lack of empathy and understanding.  We were not at a five-star restaurant, nor were we not handling the situation.  As the lunch went on, this same couple was demanding, rude, and unreasonable in my opinion to the wait staff.  After they finally left, we commented to the waitress at how she handled the situation in the perfect manner.

As parents, I believe we need to stop apologizing for our children no matter their diagnosis or mood.  We need to care less about the opinions of people we encounter.  The only things we need to be concerned about are the needs of our own children and their relationship with their environment at that moment.

If you are looking for SPD treatment for yourself or your child fill out a child or adult intake form now to be treated at STAR Institute Treatment Center or search our Treatment Directory to find services in your area.

Kim Jacobs lives in the state of New York with her husband of 21 years and currently works in an urban school district.  She has a wonderful family of three children, two girls and a boy.  Their ages are 15, 10, and 7 respectively.  She is a teacher that has worked with toddlers to fifth graders in her twenty year education career.  Over the years, she has developed a passion for advocating for children with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and anxiety due to the diagnosis of her daughter. At the age of two, her daughter was diagnosed with SPD followed by a diagnosis of anxiety at the age of nine years old.